Last updated on 11/02/2010
Do you ever feel stuck? A reader recently asked what to do when flow seems to be inhibited by something, or someone. I asked permission to share his question with the rest of my readers.
Dear Jane,
“Life is a cycle. All things are in constant flux. Most of the time I can let it flow. What do you recommend when the cycle slows, when it seems like you may be stuck or some one or something is inhibiting the flow of the ‘is-ness’ of life or is this just an illusion in which I’ve yet to accept and master? “
That’s a great question. I suppose it brings me to two trains of thought:
The first is that sometimes the feeling of not flowing, when things aren’t going as we’d expected, can mean that we’re just where we are supposed to be. That IS our flow for that period of time.
When I became a single mom, my reason for being, for those 12 years was to be a great mom. I’m not sure I was great at it, but I did my best. Of-course I dreamed of taking my son and traveling the world, or even the state. We would throw darts at a U.S. map, saying we’d travel wherever the dart landed. The darts always landed too far away from home. I wanted to give him everything he dreamed of, but I had little money, and no means for making many of those dreams come true. So I just held onto them, for ‘someday’.
Our life was about being where we were. We hiked, cooked, played ball, did chores, gardened, and laid under the stars drinking hot chocolate. I had the privilege of watching him grow into a skilled archer and marksman. He was close to his grandparents and great grandmother, and we spent much time with them all. They were lovely years.
I measured his growth on the back of the door in the hallway, and he most always beat me when we played pool in the basement. I ‘signed him up’, as he says, for things he didn’t want to do, but mostly we played together, and play is absolutely free! There were times when my chronic pain kept me from doing things, but for the most part, I insisted that I wanted my son to remember me as a fun mom, who gave him the attention and respect he deserved. I played through my pain.
This was my flow. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. Those years made me who I am today, and made my son the incredible young man that he is today. We learned a lot about the love between a mother and a son, and developed a precious bond. Our blessings measure far beyond those early dreams.
Secondly, it’s likely that what’s blocking my flow is not ‘someone’ or ‘something’ else, but ME.
The feeling of being stuck is an uneasy, sometimes frustrating one. It has been my experience that the degree to which I’m stuck is directly related to the degree to which I’m trying to figure out things that are beyond my control. Usually those things don’t even belong to me. I’m spinning my wheels trying to figure out someone else…what they should or shouldn’t be doing, and what I can do to change the way they’re behaving. When I can recognize this, I can return to me…return to my serenity.
One thing I’ve found of great comfort is knowing that neither end of the spectrum lasts forever, no matter whether we’re feeling elation or fury, happiness or discontentment…this, too shall pass. The beauty of this cycle is that it has a way of balancing us out. The tricky part is that we don’t always get to dictate the length of the cycle. There are however, some things I’ve found helpful in keeping it moving.
I acknowledge that I can’t change anybody but myself. Spending my energy trying to change other people is a waste of my resources. I choose to live in a way I can be happy with. Often, other people can see the change in me, and begin to follow.
When I do find it necessary to tell someone else what I believe they should do, I try hard to say it only once. Beyond once is attempting to control, usually unsuccessfully, since the change must come from the other person, not from me.
I write as often as possible. One thing that I’ve done recently is get up about 15 minutes earlier in the morning and write three complete pages, not thinking about what I’m writing….just write. No planning, no thinking, no revising, and I don’t go back and re-read it. I just empty my mind, then file the papers away. (I actually tear the papers out and physically put them in another pocket. Otherwise, I’m sure I’d ‘accidentally’ read them.) Releasing our subconscious in the morning allows our mind to begin flowing for the day. When we do this often-enough, it becomes habit….just as anything else we do repeatedly becomes habit. This was extremely vital for me. When I began this letting go, my life began to change in ways that I couldn’t explain, and still can’t.
I take time for myself. My schedule can get pretty full, and I have often said no to myself when I knew I should’ve said yes. I try to say yes to myself more often, and no thank you to others. I am fulfilled when I say yes to a hike, writing time, an afternoon siesta, listening to the birds, sitting on a comfy sofa with a book, calling someone who loves me unconditionally, or volunteering. These are times when I’m allowing my own voice to come forth, rather than in-taking the expectations of others.
I have found that regular meditation and contact with God is vital, and I don’t mean praying while I’m at a red light. I have a space in my home that contains only things that make me feel peaceful and connected. If anything else sneaks in (for example, I’m keenly aware that an ironing board and an iron are sitting there right now) I remove it before I use that space. I have to actively protect the space, but it is well worth it, and I’ve learned that I’m worth it.
Try to remember that it if it feels like you’re paddling upstream, rather than floating down river, you may be working too hard to force solutions. Allow life to flow. It may not, and in-fact, probably won’t go in the way you predicted, but let it go. I don’t even try to figure things out anymore…I just keep taking steps, and the path seems to unfold before me. A year ago, I would have thought that sounded very obscure, great for other people…but at that time, I was in my canoe, paddling as hard as I could, and going nowhere.
I hope you’ve found something of use. I’d also like to recommend the book “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. I began my “Morning Pages” recently, after reading the first chapter. An incredible personal journey unfolded before me. You might also find some other bits of interest in my post on finding balance.
If you liked this article, please share it on Twitter. Thanks, and take good care!
Thanks, bubble_gum, for the refreshing photo!
Could it be that having a flow that is impeded, difficult, or otherwise “stuck” might indicate that we’re focused too much on a path that just won’t work right now? Not that it’s good or bad…it’s just not going to happen at this point in time.
How many times have we thought that we were stuck, but after taking a step back we find that there’s another, better opportunity just waiting to be acted on. Life is always in a state of flux, and full of teeny tiny pieces that all have to work together to form a mosaic. There’s also a bit of unpredictability and randomness thrown in to keep us on our toes. I think you have to be open to the possibility that what you have accepted as your flow needs to be re-evaluated from time to time, and may not actually be what you thought it was going to be (“wanted” it to
be?). Whether you call it flow, fate, karma or Divine Providence it’s sometimes hard to accept at first but usually (not always!) seems to be better in the long run.
Love ya Jane!
Jeff, Victoria and Tristan
Hey Jeff,
Thanks for writing. It’s great to get some feedback from you! I think you’re right about re-evaluating our flow from time to time. In-fact, I’m thinking that could be what makes flow happen so beautifully.
If we continually struggle to make things happen…the way we wanted, or the way we think things should be, it’s easy to get in our own way. This reminds me of the importance of the ‘3 A’s’….awareness, acceptance, and action. Once we realize that things are going well, or not so well, we can make decisions that either continue or alter our journey, accepting or changing our flow.
It can be, in-fact, wonderful that life is sometimes unpredictable, and that there is randomness thrown in…we must each decide what our mosaic will look like. I’m certain that if I’d been commissioned to create the incredible mosaics in St Peters, they would look much different than they do today!
Take good care,
Love,
Jane
Hi Jane,
you gave such a wonderful piece of advice! I also find it that when I feel stuck I just have to relax and stop for a moment (or two :-)) If I don’t see any solution right now then I just change focus to something else and wait. While I am waiting I am praying and I hope that I will receive the right answer in the right moment. So far this technique worked wonderfully in my life. Everything falls in its place when it is time for something to happen and I don’t keep my head troubled with all the “what if-s” and “what else-s.”
Thanks for writing, Anastasiya,
It’s great to hear from you! I agree that the ‘waiting’ is a very important part of our journey. Stepping back, letting go, saying a prayer, and then releasing expectation…such a powerful chain! One of my favorite phrases is “when the time is right”. In the meantime, we just take one step at a time along the path to wholeness, and the journey will unfold.
Take good care,
🙂 Jane
I didn’t tell you how much sheer poetry is in the photo accompanying this string. Love it.
It is a great photo. Here’s the Flicker link to .ygor, the photographer. http://tinyurl.com/2aveskn
I considered trying to use your painting, but didn’t think I’d be able to get a good image made for online.
Thanks for the comment.
🙂
great post as usual!
Hi Jane,
beautiful insight!
Very true that it “can mean that we’re just where we are supposed to be. That IS our flow for that period of time.” – not always easy to accept.
I also liked what Anastasiya said about changing focus while waiting and praying – it helps ease into acceptance of what is.
Thanks for writing Aileen. Sometimes waiting for acceptance can be a challenge, but it has been my experience that the process, and the things I learn while I wait, are the parts that makes me grow. Much gratitude for the waiting, the acceptance, and the new life that emerges.
Writers often speak of writers block when they are not in the flow. Similar to life really. We often get stuck or lost for a time. For me it’s a call to be doing something else for a while. Flow also equates to currency and the flow of electrical energy. So to unlock flow find where your energy is drawn in any given stalemate situation and go there.
Things flow but not always in a straight line so to beat writers block don’t write go watch, look at life, be with people and be inspired. Ideas just need to flow to you in a different way. And Jane most of all love when you note that nothing lasts forever, happy or bad moods. Very, very true. Flow will flow sometime soon. Lovely post.
John,
Thanks for writing. Thinking of things flowing, ‘but not always in a straight line’…great imagery of water in a cool, smooth stream, winding its way around rocks, fallen limbs, and spilling over waterfalls. The water winds up where its meant to be, but certainly doesn’t get there by going straight. Thanks, John, it’s a great way to think of this journey we’re on.
Lovely post Jane and I also appreciate what has been written so far. I would also add a few offerings as well.
1. The question rightly points out the cycles of movement. Consider one grand cycle – the seasons. It is possible that what we consider “stuck” might actually be Winter. A time of rest, retraction, storing of energy, preparation etc.
There is this sense that life must be cruising to be flowing but sometimes, as you pointed out with the story about your single motherhood, stuckness consciously embraced can quite flowy.
2. What is it that is stuck? The mind? The heart? The career? Be specific because each might need something different. Is everything stuck? Well if you think that is the case consider that there must be something that is quite unstuck in you that can see the stuckness. What is that?
3. There is a Western habit to disassociate ourselves from life itself and so there is a tendency to draw the image of being a boat on a river or a leaf on the stream to symbolize “the flow”. And getting caught in rocks seems to embody our experience of getting caught. But what is quite rare is to identify with the water which very rarely is stopped at all. What might that mean? One thing to consider is that water is infinitely flexible. What is the structure you are holding onto that might keep you stuck? I refer you to the title of the blog…what if you took your big image and broke it up into teeny tiny pieces. Where does it flow then? That might mean changing the structure of something that is quite beloved but they might be able to reassembled elsewhere later.
best to you.
mstillman at gmail
Beautiful article on flow. One of my favourite subjects. I love that you turn it gently back to how it is really our responsibility and accepting that this is our flow. I also love Julia and discovered her about five years ago. Morning pages are amazing. Great work and thanks for the retweets. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to find you but I’m subscribing so I don’t lose you again. Talk soon.
Katie
@katie
Thanks so much for your kind comment! It seems the spammers love it as much as I do. They send it to me a few times a day, with a different name attached. Very strange.
I loved your post about Nia, and want to learn more about it when I have a few minutes to read up on it. It sounds fabulous…think I might really enjoy it!
Take good care!
Jane
@matt
Thanks so much for your thoughts. It has been my experience that the seasons of life are necessary for growth…and winter, when we take time for healing, introspection, and nourishment, is just as important as sprintime…
I appreciate your thoughts on identifying with the water, rather than the obstacles. In addition, I can appreciate how a moss-covered rock must enjoy the feeling of cool water flowing across it, with the green moss swaying with a soft current, pulled downstream, and all is well…just as it should be.
I’ll be watching for your next post on stillmansays!
Take good care!
Jane
Oh, I love Artist’s Way and Morning Pages (and Artist’s Dates!) so much I could just about melt into a puddle thinking about them. I got on that path about three years ago and what a difference it has made for me. I’m also pretty kooky over Natalie Goldberg’s freewriting style in Writing Down the Bones.
When I was reading this post I had the feeling of, “Hey! What’s Jane doing in my head?” because my thoughts are so similar. That said, I don’t know that my head is a very safe place for anyone to be for long. Haha.
Hey, Jean,
I have to tell you that when I started working through The Artists Way, things started changing amazingly quickly! Actually, that’s when A-List Blogging Bootcamp fell in my lap. I took a break from TAW to keep up with everything, and just took it out this weekend to get back into it. Aren’t Artist’s Dates the best?! I’ll also check out Writing Down the Bones, sounds interesting!
BTW, being in your head would be a hoot! I love your writing…I think it’d be fun in there!
Take good care! 🙂
This was full of beautiful insight and practical wisdom for accepting and honoring the natural ebb and flow of living. Thank you.
Lynn
Yeah, beautiful picture! You have a nice style of writing. I really enjoyed this article and your wisdom. Thanks for sharing.