Last updated on 11/23/2010
I’m learning that the next steps along my path to wholeness sometimes show up in unexpected places.
I wrote this post about my encounter with a ‘bum’ on Tuesday night and saved it in my drafts. When my heart opens, my fingers humm on the keyboard, and sometimes I truly don’t know when to stop. The draft slept here, in my laptop. I would need courage to post this, and decided it’d be best if I slept on it, too.
10:40 a.m. Wednesday: I got my blog update from John Sherry, at RealSimplePeople.com. You may remember that John’s post was on my list of 10 Posts that Helped me Let Go of Fear and Pursue My Dreams. He’s the one who taught me to keep my chin up and write from my heart. John’s post this morning was entitled “The Story of Homeless Man”.
It didn’t seem quite possible that we were both writing about the same unlikely topic, at the same time, on opposite sides of the Atlantic. I e-mailed John and sent him the text you’ll find below. In true fashion, he encouraged me to publish the post, share my heart and my emotions. He reminded me that the message needs to be shared in order to do its good.
Thank you, John. Here’s an honest post … by Jane.
I had a class downtown tonight. After class I was walking down the sidewalk alone. A guy called out to me, “How you doing, how you doing, you got some spare change so I can get something to eat?”
The familiar knot in my stomach made itself known as I said, “No, sorry,” when I knew damn well that I had plenty of spare change.
I walked the rest of the way down the sidewalk, and then drove home with heightened awareness of my seat of privilege on this earth. That I can write from my warm and safe home … on my laptop, about buying organic veggies and about networking to make dreams come true. A seat of privilege.
As I made my way out of the quiet downtown streets I had the thought that I should start a site called helpthebums.com. Would it be about helping bums? How does one help bums, exactly? Are all bums homeless? Are all homeless people bums? What is a bum anyway? I hate the word, and can’t think of a time when I’ve ever used it … but maybe I have. The sick feeling in my stomach continued to stir.
I replayed the question in my mind … “you got some spare change?” The moment I saw this guy, from yards away, I judged quickly that he was probably in some altered state, that if I did give him any money, he’d surely spend it on maintaining that altered state, and not on food. He was thin, probably because of the drugs, the alcohol, the malnutrition. He didn’t need my money. He was only a block away from the Salvation Army, after all.
Rationalization. Do this to the least of these …
If he wanted food, perhaps I should’ve walked to the diner across the street and ordered him a cheeseburger.
Suffering is upsetting to witness. I am kind and generous. I have a tender heart. I want everyone to be well. Everyone isn’t well.
Guilt … a heavy heart.
When I drive around the city, back and forth to work, I avoid eye contact with the guy holding the sign at the stoplight that reads “Need Work to Feed my Family. God Bless.” I change lanes, just in-case I get caught at the red light where the guy with one leg sits on a bucket. On-occasion I see the couple who looked like me in the beginning, now with long hair, and worn out clothes. I think they must love each other, to wait day after day for something, and wander to their spot in the nearby woods each night.
How did they get there? What happened to their jobs? Did they have families and friends? Is there no-one they can call for help? But for the grace of God, go I!
I can’t justify my actions, my inaction. There is no justification. I can say that there are services to help these people. I’m not sure that there are. I can say that I’ll give money to a homeless shelter, and I never get around to it.
I know that addictions need to be fed. I know that hungry stomachs need to be fed. I know that empty souls need to be fed. What is my part?
Complacency is a lovely vessel in which to store my guilt.
Teeny tiny pieces of guilt, love, fear, and complacency. These are among the stones along my path to wholeness. They’re part of who I am, and of what I have yet to learn.
Thank you, katerha for the photo … I searched long and hard for it!
Hi Jane,
Thank you for having the courage to share such an honest post.
I believe that many people who read this can relate in some way. Many of us have been in your position and probably reacted the same way.
It is true you could have ordered him a cheeseburger, but if you did it for one person, does that mean you have to do it for everyone who is homeless? Where would you stop if you started? And why would you help one person and not another?
It is heart wrenching to see people who suffer from the lack of basic necessities. But such suffering is not unique to our times. There have been people who were well off and people who were not so well off since the beginning of civilization. It is a fact of life.
Having said that, you have to take a step back and ask yourself if your help is going to do them more good or harm? The old saying comes to mind, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and you feed him for life.”
Before we try to help, we should consider the nature of our help as well. Given your situation, it was difficult to have to walk away from someone in need. But at the same time, your help may not have made much of a difference in his life because he would always be dependent on the charity of others.
It’s not that I am against doing a small favour for a fellow human being, I am just more interested in considering the bigger picture where we help in a way that really helps. This would probably mean helping them to find their zest and purpose for life once more. Then with the right skills, they will be able to stand on their own two feet for good.
So don’t be too hard on yourself. By feeling bad you have shown your compassion. To become whole I guess we need to find a more permanent solution.
The Vizier recently posted..How a Great Friendship Ended in Tragedy
Hey Vizier … It’s great to see you again! Thank you so much for another thoughtful comment!
Though it did take courage for me, personally, to publish this post, it also was very healing. Releasing those feelings that I keep bottled up in my heart each time this happens isn’t healthy. It’s good to have them out in the open, for discussion, criticism, awareness … whatever comes of it.
I love the quote about teaching a man to fish … the problem is that there aren’t nearly enough fishing-lessons going on these days. Most of us are doing the best we can to keep our own heads above water. How wonderful would it be if we could each commit to slowing down, and being intentional about teaching just one man to fish, and charging him to do the same … something to ponder.
Take good care, and I’ll see you again soon!
~ Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..helpthebumscom
Jane,
In our local paper yesterday there was a picture of a soccer play from one of the African countries who plays on a local university soccer team. He is asking people to send him their old used soccer shoes so he can send them back to Africa to players who have no shoes. This is an individual effort that will probably work well.
There are organizations existing which help people in need. They are equipped to do so. They usually need money and volunteers to assist people who come to them. It probably isn’t practical to carry a cheeseburger around with you but you might create a list of agencies in your city that help the homeless and give the list to anyone who approaches you for help. Then donate time and or money to one of these agencies. An army of individuals organized and working together in this effort may be better than each of us walking around with a few bandaids trying to heal the wounds.
Jim B
Hey Jim B … it’s so good to see you here! Always a treat when you drop in! I like the story about the soccer player. What a great program, and evidence that just one person can make a real difference in the world. If ten soccer players asked the same, imagine how many others would be helped. Is it easier to give old soccer shoes than it is to give old money?
You’re right … there are so many opportunities for us to help others. I like your idea of generating a list of resources. This could help others who feel helpless, as well as those who are in need.
I think that the feeling of applying a band aid is part of the frustration, and the source of conflict that some people feel.
Do you think that if we knew the money we gave would help, people would give more? (if we knew it wouldn’t go to drugs, for example?)
Giving money to just one person might help just for the moment, and as Leah says down in the next comment, “maybe my few $$ or change helps them to get through the day, to get something to eat, to get wherever they’re going, or just to warm their hearts. ” I believe that helping someone, even if it is just for a moment, can’t be a bad thing.
… but can a coin perpetuate pain?
Just some thoughts ~
Looking forward to seeing you this weekend!
Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..helpthebumscom
Hi Jane,
This was a fascinating read. I deal with this all the time, especially guys with the sign like you say, while in my car at certain intersections or walking around Philadelphia.
I guess I’m used to it, so I don’t worry too much. But here’s what I do: I follow my gut or my heart, somehow. Once in awhile I feel a tug to give, and I give. Sometimes it could be going to drugs, but you never know. Many of them are mentally ill, and some are just in really rough spots with no family, depressed, etc. And maybe my few $$ or change helps them to get through the day, to get something to eat, to get wherever they’re going, or just to warm their hearts.
I actually begged in the subways in NYC years ago, when I was 17 or 18, just because I was temporarily in a tough spot and needed train fare to get home. I guess I didn’t look so bad off because it took a long time lol But finally, someone helped me out, and I was grateful. I had no choice.
I like the beggars who actually do something for their handout, like wash your windshield, or the guy who gave me a quick singing lesson…I’ll never sing Amazing Grace the same way again and never forget what he told me: “Make love to every note.”
It would be great to help them all in some bigger way, but for me I just let it go and give when I feel moved, which isn’t all that often, but sometimes.
Thanks for the food for thought 🙂
Leah McClellan recently posted..Bullies Aren’t Born That Way–They’re Made
Hi Leah,
Thanks for sharing so much, and giving me so much to think about! I am from a small town … I don’t even think we had any ‘bums’ … I’m guessing there were some homeless, but I didn’t know of them. So … this is, and always has been, uncomfortable for me when I venture to a bigger city (now my home is a bigger city, so I see it more often)
One thing that is particularly difficult is the feeling that I am in judgement of someone else … whether they’re drunk, or really in need, or if they look quite dirty or ragged enough that I can tell they’ve been on the streets a while. Isn’t one hour on the streets too long?
Well, John’s friend Barney (in the realsimplepeople post) had a story to tell. We are human … we all have stories. Whatever happened to a person, whether it was an hour or a lifetime ago, they’re in a dangerous situation. We can each do with that what we will.
If I’d seen you in the subways in NYC, I probably wouldn’t have made eye contact with you, acknowledged your presence, or given you any money. Not because I didn’t like you, but because I was afraid of you. Forgive me. 🙂
Thank you, Leah, for stopping by. I’m so glad you did!
Take good care, give all the little critters at your house a little kiss for me!
~ Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..helpthebumscom
Hi again Jane, I’m originally from a small town too, so I had to get used to some things in cities.
Judging others is a normal thing people do–normal in the sense that we all do it, we’re taught to do it, it’s a cultural thing. We put people and things into boxes of good and bad, safe and dangerous–it’s how we deal with a complex world. There are other ways–non-duality and non-judgment etc etc, but it takes time to retrain ourselves and relearn different ways.
So…don’t be too hard on yourself 🙂 I lock the doors of my car sometimes when the beggars are in the street at intersections. They’re not dangerous, but sometimes I just feel safer.
Yes, I read John’s story–ought to go comment but yeah, we all have stories. One story that street people often have is that it’s better than other options. Shelters can be awful, I’ve heard, especially for women.
You made me think of all the homeless people I’ve talked to: the guy in Hawaii, psychiatrist living in the camping parks, wiped out from alimony to his ex-wife, making baskets from palm fronds–I still have the ones I bought from him. The welfare mother I helped a lot when I lived in Philly, diapers, formula…I cried and hugged her when she got a job and announced she didn’t want any money from me anymore. What a compliment she gave me, said I was “all right.” She was too–just in a hard spot.
Oh, and I wouldn’t have given me any handouts in the NYC subway either lol
Thanks for the food for thought 🙂
Leah McClellan recently posted..Bullies Aren’t Born That Way–They’re Made
Sorry I’m just getting back to you … sounds like you’ve had some amazing, life-changing experiences.
You have so many stories to tell. I hope you’ll consider writing some of them. The world needs to hear them!
~ Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..Loneliness: Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full
Beautiful is what describes this Jane in the gentle message that you weave in with your honesty. I am priviliged to have co-joined with your thoughts of sharing a story of those we could all be. May your words remind many that we can all walk on back to our warm homes making percieved judgement as we do, or we can stop and learn the real story that often unravels in the most moving of ways by people who never chose where they are. As the saying goes, ‘there by the grace of God go I’. Truly inspiring and moving post Jane, bless your heart for telling it.
John Sherry recently posted..The Story Of A Homeless Man
Hi John,
Thank you, my friend, for reminding me to have courage. I am grateful that things transpired as they did, or this post might never have seen the light of the screen again.
Fear gets me sometimes … fear of being judged for telling the story of my judging others. Hummmm … might take a while for me to digest that one.
But for the grace of God … keeps replaying. Grace that I’m not there. But also that I AM here. I do have choices, and can make a difference. I have absolute command of this screen for this time, to use for sharing whatever message I’m led to share. No coincidences.
Thank you for sharing the experiences you had with Barney. No matter where he is today, I’m sending healing, healthy prayers and energies to you both.
Take good care,
Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..helpthebumscom
Jane, I truly appreciate the honesty and vulnerability of this post – I am glad you hit the publish button. What you describe is something most of us are all too familiar with and I personally never know how to handle – sometimes I walk away, sometimes I give – and always I wonder what is the best action I should take.
For many years I volunteered at a soup kitchen where we served lunches to the homeless and would collect food and clothing from people in town. I still donate but mostly to organizations not so often to individuals – I wonder if the individual on the side of the road actually receives much of from the organizations – do they know where to go and do they go there?
You remind me to give more thought to what I can do – and with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming it’s a wonderful time to think about helping those who have less.
Aileen recently posted..The Ultimate Factor in Boosting Productivity
Hi Aileen,
Thanks so much for stopping by, and for sharing this message with your friends today.
I commend you for the work you’ve done in the past, and am glad to hear that you’re interested in actively helping again. The holidays and cold winter months are particularly hard for people who suffer.
I think there’s alot of research we can all do, in order to make good changes in this world.
Jim B. above, made a reference to a soccer player asking for used cleats to send back to his home in Africa. What an amazingly simple program. Wonder what programs like that we could come up with to help in our cities?
I also liked his idea of making a list of resources, for those in need … which could also be handy for those who want to help.
When I was at the grocery store this evening, I saw an employee dumping the day-old baked goods into a big trash can. I was reminded of a program in my hometown where volunteers go to the grocery store twice weekly and pick up the bread that can no longer be sold, and take it to the soup kitchen. How simple, and vital.
With most good things, intention is key … slowing down long enough to think about what is good and right, and making a choice to do it.
Do you have any other ideas that we can share … perhaps from this post we can change someone’s life, really. Even if one person goes out into the world and does something to help, what an amazing difference they could make.
I’m so glad you stopped by. It’s always a pleasure to see you!
Take good care,
~ Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..helpthebumscom
Thank you for tweeting my post because it brought me to this, your post. I struggle with this in the same way. I think a lot of people do. My father would have called it White Liberal Guilt. I just call it caring and having a fragile heart.
When I was living in Germany, I made a point of visiting several concentration camps. The magnitude of being present in the camps was overwhelming . But you know what did me in? Reading the postcards from prisoners from Poland that were sent home. Mama, don’t worry about me, it’s not so bad, take Communion for me. But the boy writing did not know that his whole family was long dead. When the story of the whole got broken down to its parts, the pain became unbearable.
It’s that way with poverty. We can talk about poverty as a remote, third party thing. But when we confront it one-on-one, with the bums of this world, and we find ourselves feeling sensitive, the pain is as equally unbearable. A bit of change seems like nothing against the windstorm of pain.
So I do give a few coins more often than I don’t. Not that it makes me feel much better, but it pushes back the painful thoughts a bit. That’s all.
Hi Diana,
So glad we caught up with each other today, too.
I love your comparison to the concentration camps. Reading about devastation, even seeing pictures is horrible. Coming face to face is a different, more lasting story.
I’m glad you give coins … sometimes I wonder whether the whole exercise is that we are given, simply so that we’re able to give. What if that’s what it’s all about …
There are indeed so many forms of giving, if we are willing to take the time to explore them. The funny thing is … I’m guessing … that even if we gave a load of money through paypal, we still wouldn’t feel as good as we’d feel if we watched a weary, weathered soul learn how to read, or receive a warm blanket in a rescue mission, or a hug, just because it’s their birthday.
Here’s to health, healing, and the joy of giving.
Take good care, Diana,
~ Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..helpthebumscom
I too look away when someone is on a street corner with a sign.
I think it’s fear- I don’t know this person…
There are so many in my personal life/local community that could use a hand.
I have given food to people I know who are going through tough times, stuff like that. I am careful about giving money.
I do try to remember that no matter how little you may have at the time, if you share it, you will receive that back plus some….
Many homeless people are those released by mental institutions because of budget cuts…..
Back in the day, I worked at a mental facility in the daycare (for staff’s children).
There were many, many patients let out to fend for themselves.
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I apologize for taking so long to get back with you. I read and re-read your comment. This really gives me new perspective. The facility you worked at, times a million. This is heartbreaking.
There is so much need … we can each do our part. Thank you for sharing. We have much to learn from one-another.
Take good care,
Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..Loneliness: Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full
Hey Jane,
I don’t know what to say except that your post affected me in a visceral way as did Diana’s post. I know it’s real when I feel it there. I wanted to thank you for sharing it. It has made me re-think my rationalizations when I look the other way. It also helped remind me that the human heart is opened in times like these and it is a risky business. Taking the chance to feel the pain as well as the love for another person I do not know and whose circumstances frighten me (What if that was me?) makes me feel vulnerable. I know this is how the heart grows but I fear, at these times, that it will break rather than grow. But perhaps breaking and growing are related.
Thanks for your courage. A little rubbed off on me today.
Randy
Thank you so much for stopping by, Randy. Perhaps the best way to learn compassion is to ask “What it that was me?” ~ What circumstances put a person in that place, and me in this one?
I believe that those of us who are fortunate enough to sit in seats of privilege on this planet have a responsibility to learn about, and to share compassion with others. My compassion may look different from yours, but perhaps we’ll all get there in the end.
Take good care, Randy, and thanks again for your comment,
~ Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..Loneliness: Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full
Morning. This is an excellent, from the heart, post. It does the same thing to others that the sight of the man did to you, leaving those who truly care with a knot in our stomach and no answer.
Unfortunately today there seems to be a growing number of people in the world who do not care and think they have a good solution for people who are, or become, the less fortunate ones.
They would simple wish them away, gone, destroyed so their vast vessels remain undisturbed.
Hope you have a day of freedom from vessel fragments. Mom
Thanks for writing … Joy,
I think you’re right. There are many who believe life would be much easier, physically and psychologically, if we were rid of the urchins …. but then, which group would be the new urchins?
Thank you for the reminder … we are all beautifully human, absolutely imperfect, and deserving of love and compassion.
Thanks so much for your comment!
~ Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..Loneliness: Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full
Hi Jane,
I’m not so sure looking for the best way to give is the answer. It’s only important that we do give, in some way to those who need it as long as we’re on earth.
Personally, I carry bottled water in my car so I always have something to give. As for change not as much. I have volunteered in a prison, after a hurricane at the soup kitchen and every mom organization there is…LOL
Currently we give to The Smile Train and Wounded Warriors. I believe in those who have a lot are required to give a lot. I have a lot.
A few weeks ago I helped an elderly woman bring her groceries to her car and put them into the trunk. At first she didn’t trust me and thought I was out to harm her. Then I returned to my car and wrote down my cell no. on a sticky note. I went back and she was sitting in her car doing nothing. I knocked on her window and and handed it to her and she said “you are so kind, my husband died to months ago and I’m struggling.” Who would of thought? I just saw someone in need and did something very simple. Yesterday I received a card in the mail from her!
Thanks for posting this…we’ll all keep growing along doing the best we can;)
Tess The Bold Life recently posted..On a Rampage of Gratitude and Appreciation
Thank you, Tess, for the comment, and the lovely story. We just never know who we’ll be helping, or what desperate circumstances another person is facing.
Perhaps some of the most ragged people are the richest, and some of the wealthiest are the most desperate … thank you for the reminder to share compassion with everyone, without judgement.
Also, I love the idea of carrying bottles of water. Very nice!
Take good care, and thank you so much for stopping by,
~Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..Loneliness: Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full
A number of years ago “be in the moment” was a phraze on the waves.
We had moved to Mississippi and I knew very few people so spent a good deal of time getting to know new shopping areas. One of these I frequented was Sam’s wholesale.
This particular day I was wandering around picking up an item or two but mostly killing time when I saw an older gentleman (loosely used as you will see) in a wheelchair going back and forth, searching.
I approached him to offer my assistance and, indeed, was able to do so. He went on his way and I observed he was still searching. So, what the heck, I said “Be in the moment”. Here is a man who needs you.
So, I parked my cart and went to offer assistance as a driver/searcher. We spent a good deal of time unsuccessfully hunting some furniture polish requested by his wife, picked up a few items and I pushed him up to the check out line.
As we approached the checkout line he yelled, impolitely, to a black man standing a distance away, made some derogatory comments to him in my presence. I stood by, embarrassed at his prejudice toward this man who was obiviously his driver/helper.
By this time he had explained that he had serious heart problems and we found that we visited the same Cardiologists and that he lived a considerable distance from this town. We had exchanged names, locations, etc. and I left him at the line, as the driver had been ordered to get the truck and pick him up.
This man, dressed in what might be described as farm clothes, had given me his card and revealed to me that he had become quite wealthy due to some land minerals that I don’t care to name. He wanted to let me fish on his land and even offered for my grandson to hunt on his land.
We parted ways, leaving me with an ambivolent feeling about being in those last moments. This must be an angry man. He had revealed that he had lost a young daughter, his only child. Indeed, I learned more of the man and he was what he said he was.
Some time passed and one day the phone rang. The gruff voice identified himself as the man I had encountered at Sam’s. He was going to the cardiologist and wanted to leave me some vegetables there if I would come after them. I did, and ate some of the best okra I’ve ever tasted, tender and sweet. He called a couple of other times for a pickup of veggies at the cardiologist, although I never saw him again. We soon moved back to Virginia.
I often think of the man who was his silent driver and the harsh treatment he received by this man while he was on the other end of my “being in the moment”.
This seems rather pointless, in retrospect, but somehow I felt compelled to share it.
Not at all pointless … yet another reminder to be mindful of everyone, rather than judging by appearance or by perceived circumstance.
I’m glad you were in the moment. I’ve seen you in the moment many, many times. I have to admit that there have been times when I wished (at that moment) that you weren’t … sometimes it’s uncomfortable. But in the end, you’ve taught me many lessons, and I’m really glad that you think of others the way you do.
I’m so very grateful that Sydney shared some holidays at our house. You are kind and compassionate … with a firey gypsy heart … did you know that’s a hereditary trait? Yup!
Love you!
Jane
Jane Rochelle recently posted..Loneliness: Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full
I just had to comment…
I’ve had a similar story rolling around in my head for….well it’s probably been rolling around in there for almost a year! I’ve thought about turning it into a blog post, but I’ve never been sure what angle to attack it at. Is it just a little story, is it a larger commentary on homelessness?
You’ve inspired me to grab my story and hammer it out. I’m suddenly realizing that I have a lot to say about it! Off to work on it…
Thank-you!
[…] been kind, and those who need kindness ~ I’ve had opportunities to decide whether or not to help the bums, and I’ve had opportunities to give freely what I’ve learned in my Healing Touch […]
I just got here a few minutes ago (on your blog) and started clicking through and found this post, and cried – for both of you. I know the feeling and I appreciate you having the courage to share your feelings out loud. I’ve been in the same situation with the same thoughts running through my mind; ashamed of most of them.
“Complacency is a lovely vessel in which to store my guilt.”
Thank you.
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